


Voltron Kitchen

by caecily



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Cutthroat Kitchen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 08:49:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7428148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caecily/pseuds/caecily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Oh, no no no," Lance muttered when he saw the last contestant enter. "This is not happening."</p><p>It was Keith fucking Kogane. It'd been a couple years since culinary school, but he'd recognize that mullet anywhere. And why had they let him on the show with that, anyway? Shouldn't the stylists be doing something to protect America from that menace?</p><p>(A Cutthroat Kitchen AU.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Voltron Kitchen

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this sabotage](http://66.media.tumblr.com/b519afcbafd3915415ecff3fcc0453ef/tumblr_inline_oa07usd86o1qeky1a_500.png).

"Oh, no no no," Lance muttered when he saw the last contestant enter. "This is _not_ happening."

It was Keith fucking Kogane. It'd been a couple years since culinary school, but he'd recognize that mullet anywhere. And why had they let him on the show with that, anyway? Shouldn't the stylists be doing something to protect America from that menace?

But more importantly, Keith's presence meant it was time to start taking this competition seriously. Pidge and Hunk were friends, and they were all playing for charities anyway, but competing against Keith meant that his professional _and_ personal pride were on the line here. It was time to get revenge.

 "Ha!" Lance said, crossing his arms and bringing himself up to his full height. "Bet you never thought you'd see me again, didya? Well, get ready now for the rematch of the century!"

"….. What?" Keith said slowly, brows drawn. "Who are you?"

Who are you?! Who _are you_?! Lance spluttered and waved his arms. "I'm Lance! We were in the same class at culinary school! We were rivals, neck and neck! Remember?"

Keith's expression cleared. "Oh, right. You were the one always making comfort food."

"Comfort food is a completely valid genre of cooking, totally underappreciated by you elitists! I don't appreciate your tone and I'm gonna make you _eat_ your words!" Lance paused to look into the camera. "Get it? Eat your words -- since this is a cooking competition--"

Allura cleared her throat. " _Moving on_ ," she said sternly, and Lance shut up.

**\---**

**round one**

The rule of Cutthroat Kitchen was that sabotages were not only allowed, but on auction to the highest bidder. Poor Hunk was already the recipient of two sabotages. And why would Keith give a sabotage to _Hunk_ , anyway? Didn't he realize that Lance was the greatest threat?

"... You're mad that I _didn't_ sabotage you?" Keith said in confusion.

"I'm just saying, that as your arch-nemesis it would be smarter to try to take me out!"

Pidge covered her face with both hands. "I can't believe I'm stuck here with you two," she said, muffled. "I'm a good person. I don't know what I did to deserve this." She finally uncovered her face to bid a cool $8,000 on a sabotage.

"Chef Pidge, who would you like to be trapped together in this Titanic sabotage?" Allura asked.

A demonic glint flashed in Pidge's eyes. Lance's blood ran cold. "Chef Lance and Chef Keith," she said, and Hunk collapsed in relief.

"Pidge!" Lance said, aghast. "I thought we were friends! Why would you do this to me?"

Pidge fixed him with a deliberate look, pushing up her glasses. "Do you remember that time you ate the special cake I was saving for my brother?"

"…no?" Lance tried weakly. "I have no idea what you're talking about--"

"I told you then that you would live to regret it one day," Pidge continued, ignoring him. "Today is that day."

"That was _six months ago!"_ Lance shrieked. "You can't _still_ be holding that out against me!"

"Try me," Pidge said, dryly.

\---

The Titanic sabotage was terrible. What it meant was that Keith and Lance had to play the role of Jack and Rose, when Jack held Rose up on the bow of the ship. Only one person could cook at a time, and the other person had to stand in front of them, blocking their way.

So Keith stood in front as Lance worked, and Lance was forced to do his prep around him, which meant that he was pressed up against Keith's back with both arms wrapped around him to reach the cutting board.

At least he was taller than Keith and could rest his chin on Keith's shoulder, even if that meant Keith's stupid soft hair was getting in his mouth and he could _smell_ Keith's skin. When it was Keith's turn, on the other hand, he was either on tiptoe to see over Lance or ducking underneath his arm.

"Why," Keith groused, "are you so goddamn _tall_."

"Superior genetics," Lance told him, and Keith took a moment away from knife cutting to elbow Lance in the ribs. "Ow! We're working together this round, remember? And when's my turn again, you're hogging the cooking time!"

"I'll let you have your turn cooking in a minute if you promise to _stop talking_."

\---

"Our judge today is a man who needs no introduction. Please welcome … Takashi Shirogane," Allura announced, and Shiro walked in. Lance gasped.

Shiro was one of his chef idols. He had a Michelin star! He was legendary! Even Keith looked a little starry-eyed.

Pidge, who'd gone sabotage-less, sailed by with glowing compliments on her dish. Lance's, on the other hand, got a head shake. His dreams crumpled. "Seems a bit rushed," Shiro commented, stabbing the words into Lance's heart before moving on to Keith.

Shiro poked at the dish with his chopsticks. "The knife cuts are a bit sloppy here, like maybe you couldn't see what you were doing. Not up to your usual standards." Keith's shoulders slumped even as Lance boggled. Keith and Shiro _knew_ each other? _How_?

Hunk didn't even try to defend his three-sabotage dish when Shiro reached him. "I'm sorry, Chef," he blubbered. "You deserve better. I'm so sorry."

Shiro took a bite, and winced. He quickly wrestled his expression under control. "Valiant effort, Chef," he said diplomatically. "I'm sure you faced many challenges."

It was to little surprise that Hunk was eliminated. He didn't have the heart to be cutthroat enough; Hunk just lacked that killer instinct.

Lance looked at Keith, only to find Keith looking back at him. His mouth was turned up at one corner, and something in Lance's stomach flipped at that smile. "Hey, we survived," Lance said, mainly to distract himself from the feeling. "We are a good team."

Keith's smile broadened. Lance was in a _lot_ of trouble.

\---

**round two**

Round two was a fresh start! A new beginning! Time to get things off on the right foot, which meant immediately sabotaging Keith with a treadmill workstation so he'd stop _smiling_ at Lance with that soft look in his eyes. He didn't need that kind of distraction.

"We had a bonding moment!" Keith shouted. He looked genuinely offended that Lance had broken their truce. "I cradled you in my arms!"

His pout was not at all adorable and had no effect on Lance whatsoever. He felt zero guilt. "Nope, don't remember, didn't happen," he said breezily.

Keith ground his teeth and promptly sent the next sabotage to Lance in return.

**\--**

In retrospect, though, giving the treadmill station sabotage to Keith may have been a self-sabotage. Keith was apparently in _fantastic_ shape and was keeping up just fine on the treadmill. The only effect it had had was that Keith had now tied his hair back in a little ponytail and rolled up his sleeves, which was probably part of some sinister scheme to distract Lance with his lean forearms.

"Shit shit shit," Lance said, leaping for his pan and moving it off the stove, as he abruptly realized he had been staring at Keith a little too long and something was now smoking.

"Having a little trouble over there?" Keith said, smirking as he tended his own meatballs.

"Mind your own balls!" Lance yelled back as he tried to salvage the less burnt meatballs.

"Are you sure you don't want Keith looking at your balls?" Pidge said innocently, and Lance almost dropped the pan onto the floor as he rounded on her.

" _Shut your mouth, Pidge!_ "

"Contestants, may I remind you this is a _family appropriate_ television program?" Allura stressed.

Keith looked up from where he was plating his spaghetti. "Wait, what's inappropriate?" Allura's mouth opened and closed. Lance and Pidge looked helplessly at each other. Maybe Keith was actually an alien who had crash-landed on planet earth, completely ignorant of human culture. It _would_ explain a lot.

"Your balls look better than I expected, by the way," Keith added, causing Lance to choke on the sauce he was taste-testing. Another horrible attempt by Keith on Lance's life, going completely unpunished by the show's producer!

"I-- what-- _what?"_

Pidge was laughing, goddamn her.

\---

He wasn't surprised, though still heartbroken when Shiro eliminated him for his burnt meatballs. "It's all Chef Keith's fault," he said passionately in his confessional. His traitor mouth said, completely ignoring his brain,  "He's so fucking cute! It's really distracting." Fuck fuck fuck fuck. "Wait, stop, can you cut that?" he said desperately.

Coran, the camera operator, looked offended by the mere suggestion. "What? This is television gold! We might even want to put this in the promo for the episode."

Keith probably didn't have a TV, right? Or maybe Lance could follow him around and destroy every television around him before he had the chance to see the episode. Pidge could probably hack Food Network for him, if he bribed her enough.

"Oh, yes," Allura said, clapping her hands. "Actually, bring Keith over now and have him film a reaction shot to this clip."

"You mean, show him the clip _now_? _Today_?" Lance said in alarm.

Well, the US had started allowing flights to Cuba. It probably wasn't too late to leave the country and flee home.

"Oh," Keith said, when they showed him the clip. There was a dark red blush spreading across his cheeks, and he kept glancing aside to Lance. " _Oh_."

 ---

**round three**

Keith narrowly won a donation to his charity, which turned out to be the orphanage he grew up in. Lance's eyes did not mist up at all when hearing about Keith's past, because Keith's giant sad eyes were nothing but a devious ploy for sympathy.

Pidge maintained that her loss was all Lance's fault. "The hormones between the two of you are disgusting," she said, arms crossed. "No one can work in these conditions."

 ---

**post-show**

"I can't believe you burned our Valentine's Day breakfast," Lance sighed in disapproval. "What kind of chef _are_ you?" Well, at least the bacon was still delicious.

Keith glared and kicked him under the table. "Well, if _someone_ hadn't started kissing me while I was trying to watch the stove--"

"I can't help it if you fall prey to my irresistible charms," Lance said smugly, and then raised his hands to ward off the blow of Keith's newspaper. "OW! Why do you hurt me like this? I'm gonna tell Shiro!"

Keith rolled his eyes. "I don't even know why I love you sometimes."

"Well, _olive_ you too," Lance said, and pre-emptively ducked.

**Author's Note:**

> Lance: (still ducking) Get it? _Olive_ you?  
>  Keith: (blank) Yes, I love you too?  
> Lance: (cries)


End file.
